Thirty Six

So it’s been a while,

Because it’s been a while since I sat down with myself like this. This quickly passing summer has been to blur to me. I passed my classes, started a summer program, and most importantly, fell in love. I also called the suicide hotline again, thought about cutting, and cried many many times. And yes, I also had many moments of hating science and research and the whole damn crowd of people in the neurobiology building where I work until I finally got most of my shit done.

So some things haven’t changed at all. I still go to my therapist every other week (except that one week when I called the hotline), write in my diary when I feel like my life is crumbling (again), and fight with my mother (like on Friday). I still hate and love people at the same time and then hate myself for hating them at all. I’m learning to trust people with my secrets and feelings, and I realized that’s what makes me start to love them: trust. The other day, I spilled complaints about my PI and the grad students with some fellow lab members who I felt distant from and they felt the same damn shitty feelings as I did. Instant friendship.

But then I also realized, I need to forgive my grad student as well. While he’s supposed to be leading us, he does have moments of weakness that humble me as well. Today, I asked him for some edits on my abstract (due tomorrow, poor guy) and he said some edits and I asked, “So is it okay to say it like this?” and I recited an edited sentence. He mumbled, “Yeah, you’re a native speaker. That sounds good.” Well, at one point I wasn’t a native speaker, so I am not any better than he is. My point is, he let his guard down after he learned that I understood Chinese (when I nosed into a conversation between him and another international student about his crush, “Lemme see! Lemme see!”), and as a result, I feel like I can actually talk to him now. Also, that man needs to lighten up.

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