Thirty Two

It’s probably my PMS talking,

But I’ve had a rough day emotionally. When I got home after a day of missing a banquet, dealing with cold stares from my housemates and closest friends, showing a prospective student this college town that I loathe, and not getting enough sleep, I cried again. It must be my need for an emotional release, but the pain of feeling inadequate spread to me feeling stupid again. That mental pain often transfers into physical pain, because I would get sleepy and want to shut down. In moments like that, I just take a deep breath and move on even though every part of my body hurts as I force myself to clean my room or take a shower or sleep.

That breath isn’t a breath of strength or calmness. I started to notice that in those moments, I give up, or rather, I give in. I give in to the habits and rhythm of life that’s supposed to make me a normal person. I let go of my OCD and anxiety and my other cocktail of problems and feel myself growing up a little. And it hurts. It really hurts. In those moments, I want to cry out of pain as I take in the reality of my life right now and then I feel that resigned smile on my face. I just let something go.

Therefore, I need more moments alone. Friends are great. Acquaintances are great. I’m just not great a being neither of those things, so I often spend time alone, cutting up my feelings and gluing them back together again and again in an attempt to understand them. I don’t think I’ll ever understand them.

However, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work with them. Like today, I let myself cry. I knew I had to cry, and so I did. Afterwards, I felt anew again and finally got up from my bed and showered. I need that space and distance to become a better person, to develop kindness.

In fact, my goal to be as least selfish as possible has helped me develop this kindness to myself (still a work on progress) and others. I don’t mean “treat others the way you want to be treated.” I don’t have any expectations for being treated a certain way, but I do believe in sharing the care in every corner of my life to become that angel I’ve always aimed to be. 

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