Thirty One

It must be that time of the day,

Because I can hardly motivate myself to blow dry my hair, pick up my things, clear my desk, and prepare myself for another hectic week. However, today wasn’t so bad. I actually finished something today and got started on my 10 page double spaced paper (aka 5 pages single spaced). I exercised: 70 squats, 40 sit ups, 2 minutes of planks, and 20 hip extensions. It’s not much, but I’m starting to feel productive and sane again. Plus, I threw together a friend’s birthday present, which took probably three to four hours today in addition to waking up late. Maybe it’s because I’m starting to put a little passion into what I’m learning, because when I write a paper, I’m not satisfied until I put my heart and soul into it. This doesn’t mean, I’m going to slave over it day and night. It just means I’m going to put a little personality into a paper about science.

Speaking of science, I’m starting to not be overwhelmed by scientific papers. I read the reading for genetics today for an idea what it’s going to be about, and I didn’t feel confused or overwhelmed or stupid. It must be because I felt very patient with myself. I know I’m a slow reader, but when I read something carefully, I get it like that. I always hated that, because I wanted to be one of those geniuses who can just flip through academic papers and say something intelligent. I am always a quiet understander and a quiet questioner instead of a loud presenter. Even if I become one of those people, I still don’t be satisfied, because I would want to be the person who wrote the paper, who did the experiment that I’m speed reading about.

So even if I’m smart or whatever, I’ll be bad at acknowledging it. All I know how to do is mesh my actions with my interests and use them to fuel and form my dreams. I tell myself that I’m stupid, ignorant, and I have so much planned for my mind to consume. That is one of the many things keeping me from killing or cutting myself when something goes wrong either inside or outside of my head.  

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