Thirty

To my surprise,

I finally had an accomplished week without a breakdown. I took two exams (one after asking for an extension), I actually communicated with a professor about my needs by asking for that extension, I didn’t slave over a reflection for a pass/fail class (I was able to let go), I actually understood both genetic lectures this week, and I completed my computer science assignment without any harm to my self-confidence. In genetics lab, I sort of freaked out, because we are going off schedule to try to get positive strands to show in our gels. And when I did, my classmates showed sensitivity and care. They talked to me in a careful and concerned tone, because they hear my frustration whenever a procedure changed from what is written on paper. Their care calmed me down. I wish I thanked them for that, but that thanks has expired.

Today, I spent my day downtown. I ate alone, I shopped for my friend’s gift, and I shopped for myself. It was a wonderful experience where I looked at cheap music, gifts for my friends, and potential places to eat or visit. Most importantly, it gave me the room to reflect how my week changed my attitude and to truly rejuvenate without feeling guilty about it.

I’m not letting my guard down though. My suicidal/self-harm thoughts didn’t just disappear after a positive experience or a smooth week, and I am content with them being there. Forget mindfulness or self-care – these terms are used so much recently that I think they are losing meaning for me. What I am starting to grasp is self-awareness, letting those dark just sit there and be washed away as I gather my mind and body together again. It’s like offering a truce to my dark self. I am not going to fight my suicidal/self-harm thoughts (because that only strengthened them and exhausted me), but I am not going to surrender to them either. Like my prescription taped on my wall for tranquilizers that I never took, I will use them as a reminder of my experiences, my healed scars, and my journey ahead. 

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