Twenty Nine

Since it’s almost midnight,

I’m not at my most optimistic, but I’ll try to lighten up before I sleep. I had a dark moment today between 9 PM and 10 PM, when I was about halfway done with my study guide. I saw that my therapist-friend was on Google chat and asked her what would justify an extension for an exam, because my test anxiety made me want to run to the third floor of the science building I was in and jump from the open stairway like a fucking bird. So I sat there, whimpering to my friend on Google about how I cry so many times a week and clenching and rubbing my fists on my legs trying to console myself with some sort of pressured touch, to remind myself that I’m still here and that I should give myself a few more minutes of precious life. This has happened before.

Actually, this happens several times a week. I was on my phone with my therapist, and we were talking about coping methods. Once I printed my study guide and went into the supply room to staple it, I saw a pile of rubber bands and grabbed a few. I put it on my wrist and snapped it, and it felt great. It was like cutting except it wasn’t. With each snap, my heart felt lighter, because the pain 1) woke me up and 2) reminded me that I still felt. Pain without scars, just like school.

I fantasize everyday about quitting school and going on a soul-searching trip where I learn everything I wanted to gain from school organically, healthily. I would be back in California, have a decent secretary/teacher’s assistant job, and take online classes where I can go at my own pace. I would feel so in control, empowered, and intelligent, but that’s not what college is for is it? Grad schools and companies won’t be impressed with me unless I am a survivor, not a thinker or writer or researcher – a survivor of this hell we call higher education.

And so I stay, trying not to let school get in the way of me having a tomorrow. I have to remind myself why I’m not going to try to fly like a bird or not-eat until I faint, because I need to return to California in one piece. Better days are ahead of me. I know it.

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