Twenty Six

Just like the passing of a bad storm,

I managed to pick myself up from a low yesterday before I left for LAX. It hit right after ten precious moments of focus on studying gene mapping, and my eyes and mind started to wander off into I don’t even know what I was thinking. All I know was that it wasn’t genetics, and it was frustrating me second by second as I started freezing again. I ended curled up in bed and completely under my covers, wanting to escape my screaming mind for a few seconds, which turned into a three hour nap. There you go, my last day in beautiful southern California spent fighting with myself to get up and get on with my life.

What got me out of that “funk” (I think that’s how to use it)? The fact that there was four hours until I had to leave for the airport, and I didn’t even start packing. That motivated me to finish packing within 30 minutes, and what was more surprising was that I had no anxiousness, no stress during it. With a bad history of fighting and ignoring time, perhaps I should let time trigger me instead.

In addition to not self-harming, additional coping mechanisms include bringing over the fat March 2014 issue of Vogue and a Bloomingdale look-book and maybe an Architectural Digest to remind myself of my dreams for a beautiful life by becoming a more beautiful person everyday. My school has so many ugly corners beneath its “new Ivy” veneer that I need to flip through a fashion magazine to remind myself of the “real” world – a world where fat justice doesn’t apply, where any social justice doesn’t apply unless there’s a Twitter trend about it. That’s a problem that I need to defend myself against: the over-sensitivity that plagues us all and make the survivors stronger and tougher. People who are easily offended, in my opinion, are weaker than those who can accept reality and then actually change it. So thank goodness for the hard-truth and magazines that remind us of the materialistic, sexist, and prettyful world outside, that motivate us to become the people that inspire that world to improve itself.

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