Twenty Five

If you know the way I work,

Then you know I don’t “work hard.” I don’t care what Angela Duckworth says about having grit, I am not going to struggle. Yes, I will encounter hard, but I will not have a headache over it. I will solve things. For me, as long as something feels solvable, it’s not difficult. Messy, yes, like a plastic bag of food thrown together and tied by your Asian grandma, but I don’t think I need “grit”, just determination. “Grit” and “struggle” carries this feeling of an uphill battle rather than an adventure up a mountain with a satisfying view. They are both uphill, it’s just the latter isn’t a battle, and that’s how I want to live my life. Not fighting myself or anyone else, just learning and experiencing as I go.

In reality, I don’t live this way. I fall into the trap of struggling with everyone else – being lazy and burned out at the end of the day and not studying until a few nights before the exams. This has definitely taken a toll on my self-confidence and sanity, because I felt completely out of control for the past month. Completely. Out. Of. Control. I hate myself so much last week that I started cutting. Like I said, my therapist told me I’m numb. I wanted that inner pain to be visible and know my struggle will eventually heal, just like those cuts.

If you’re reading this, don’t be alarmed. I’m not suicidal. In fact, that one episode of cutting has made me less suicidal. It made me feel in control and it was only once after I had a bad exam that I almost handed in blank. Some coping mechanism is better than no coping mechanism (aka death). Yes, I was tempted to do it again after, but I knew that spring break was coming up and I didn’t want to come home with fresh cuts. That’s the real reason why I want the chance to transfer. It’s a way out of that hell hole. I don’t know if I’m going to cut when I get back or if I will throw my blade away, because there’s not enough time to fix myself before the next exam – and I have the worst test anxiety. The worst.

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