Nineteen

Just because I’m back here after taking a medical leave,

The past few days taught me that it doesn’t mean all my mental problems are gone. Unlike physical injuries that can heal, my depression, obsessive compulsiveness, and anxiety would haunt me until I notice one day they are gone. Until then, the best things I can do are waking, waiting, and sleeping and learning a new lesson every day.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. Like I said, this weather is overwhelming. Also, I was so homesick for California that I started to regret coming back and the thought of quitting again sulked at the back of my head. Homesickness isn’t just a feeling a child gets at a sleepover. To me, homesickness is a morbid soup of not adapting to this cold town, attachment to my hometown, and a feeling of loneliness that not even my best friends can relieve. And to be honest, I’ve been feeling this since I got here, and the weather really pushed me off the edge.

However, logistically, academically, and professionally, today was wonderful. I had two research meetings, braved the cold with no breakdown afterwards, and felt okay after lab, which usually drains me. Now, emotionally, I need to be patient with myself, which I admitted to my counselor. I need to admit to myself that I am still healing everyday through my little victories of focus, forgiveness, and optimism. Even when I make a mistake or have a small case of PMS or SAD, it doesn’t mean I am in relapse. It just means here’s an opportunity for me to see if I can breathe deeply and solve the problem with smarts, bravery, or forgiveness. When I do, I know I am healing.

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