The Circle that Ends

I’m going to disappear senior year — socially, that is. I realized that I’ve done a very bad job making and keeping friends in high school, so I’m pressing the Big Red Button on my social life.  I’m the loner who sits by myself during lunch not because but because I don’t get the point in spending time with anyone unless school or club work is involved. Therefore, I understand how the friends I have are closer to other people than me, because I never made the effort. And honestly, I view that distance as a luxury.
Basically, I never got the point of friendship. We meet, get along for a while, and all of sudden it becomes a commitment. Then I would hang out with people I actually have classes with because we actually talk about something productive. Then “old” friends would scowl that they’re not cool or smart enough for me. No, I’m just talking to my friends from class, but I guess that violates their imaginary contract for friendship.
I also can’t “be there” for my friends. I know I would seem like a nicer person, but I don’t know how to sympathize with a friend in tears or how to be extremely happy with a friend who’s extremely happy about something. I think it’s because I refuse to dump emotional outbursts on my friends and expect them to do the same for me, and I think it’s working out pretty well.
The Girl Scout song goes, “Make new friends and keep the old.” I’m disenchanted at how we can’t keep both without getting hurt, we can’t choose between silver and gold without being judged, and we will eventually get tired of spinning in the circle that has no end.
I get it if people criticize me as a heartless, lazy, self-centered outcast. I really enjoy my solitude and business only attitude, because I don’t have the emotional capacity for friendship.

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